Blues : The Deep Hues

 

“Another fall has arrived, without you on my side” she wrote in her diary with a drop of tear filled with smile. Chaos had become her shadow. Hysteria identified with her. She was a mess! But not anymore. That was past, long gone, gone with the last Fall, last spring, last sunshine. As she sat down to fill another few pages of her diary in his memory, pitying her self, she couldn’t find anything new to scribble. All that had been there to feel had been felt, all that was there to shed tear upon had been shed. That entire she could write for him, she wrote. It was strange because she never thought she would ever get over him, but surprisingly she did. Unconsciously, in the wake of a lost reverie she had learnt to live without him. Her need to feel his presence in her words had gone. There were no words left to define what she felt for him, if at all. A void dwells inside her now, but him? No. And it was weird. It was weird the way she felt within, bereft of any emotions. She had never thought that someday a part of her will refuse to feel anything for him. She wanted to stick to the memories but the time had come when she had to bid adieu to the part which she had held close to her since he left, her memories with him. So she decided to write for the last time about what he had been for her, what this journey had meant for her and how things can change in a year.

Each passing day nothing seems to change but when we look back, everything has changed. Last fall she had woven a web of lies and despite constant trying she couldn’t pull the strings apart. As seasons had gone by, she built a cocoon around her with those lies. She didn’t want to part with the only thing that web had left for her. It was a hard time getting over the hurt but she did. At least as much as it won’t stop her from stepping ahead. Little did she know that she was a rebound. For every step forward, she fell two steps backward. Struggling with her dwindling steps she finally found the gate to the free world and as she was set to step ahead, she stopped. She wondered if she at all wants to lose those strings, if she at all wants freedom. And thus she went inside that cocoon, again.  But she had grown big and that cocoon couldn’t reside her anymore. She choked; she coughed in there yet struggled to stay inside. Outside world scared her. She wondered if after all this time they would accept her. She didn’t want to lose any part of her past and yet build a new future. People often believed that she had been living in trance to think something as stupid as that. Because conventionally, every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. But that’s how she was, she wanted to defy convention. She would often peep out, have a look at the world around her and then again fall into her own cocoon. She didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere else except that cocoon. For the web of lies was what she had accepted as her reality since a very long time.

But one morning she felt sun shining a little brighter, herself smiling a little better and that’s when she realized another fall had arrived. Moreover she wound herself winding ways to step out of the cocoon because now she possessed beautiful wings. She wanted to set free, fly above, but not lose her solidity. So she became a butterfly, she would fly wherever she want to but at the end of the day she’ll cherish that cocoon with a smile, that’s where she belongs.

The past seasons taught her a lot of things but above all she learnt how to regain herself, love herself. That void within her still remains, but now she has wings to forget the pain. And sometimes she still misses those days, but life taught her to make hay in rain.

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3 thoughts on “Blues : The Deep Hues

  1. A lovely read! You always give me inspiration to write more and share online. So many unfinished works on my laptop! Wish there was a medicine to stop procrastination! I guess I will finish a couple soon, now that you have inspired me a bit. 🙂

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